Me and my wife have been married just over a year and she has always been close to her mother. She lives in the same town as us, and she goes to see her whenever I'm at work. I have zero problem with any of this, especially because her friendships are few and far between. Sometimes, I go over and hang out with them too after work.
Recently, though, she has told her mother things about her problem with having sex, and more recently she told her mother about a character flaw of mine that only she has seen. Her mother made a comment to me about it the other day, so I asked her if she told her mother about it that day. She said no. I then a few minutes later thought to ask if she said it to her the night before, then she said yes. She joked about how she was hoping I wouldn't ask that and made light of it. Then she said it was no big deal. So, she tried to hide it, but then said I shouldnt worry about it.
I asked her not to reveal things like that to her mother. I explained to her that I would never tell my mother anything remotely close to what she is telling her mother, and that, frankly, my mother would not want to know those things. She gave me no indication she would quit. My mother warned me that being this close to her mother would be dangerous for this very circumstance, and here we are a year later and my mother is proving to be right (which is preposterous to me lol).
I explained to her that these things erode my trust for her. She thinks I'm overreacting. I am lucky that her mother is as fair as she is, but still everyone knows its inevitable, that one's mother will always have at least a slight bias towards their own child, no matter how much the in-law is liked. She doesnt get this concept either. Im now not sure how much is safe to divulge to my wife that she wont blab it to her mother. Can anyone offer me some advice??|||You are over reacting and you sound insecure. Women talk to their mothers about everything.
If I have a problem with my boyfriend, I talk to my mom. Sure she is going to be biased, but girlfriends are the worst. When I don't want to hear "He is an a$$", "Just leave the jerk" etc I talk to my mom or grandma. They are wiser and more experienced then any girlfriend can be. Plus, it sounds like the mom likes you. Trust me, she is better off talking to her mom.|||Yes, you are over reacting. It isn't that big of a deal.|||she,s damaging your relationship. she apparently isn,t comfortable talking to you. telling her mom this personal stuff is not a good idea.|||You are not over reacting. Many people do not share these very personal things with friends, let alone their parents. She needs to be respectful and work these problems out with you. This comes down to respect.|||Let her know what you told us about your trust in her diminishing. You have to be point blank sometimes. Tell her that you don't mind her being close and discussing some things, but that intimate details can better be worked about between the two of you. She is wrong in doing this (although I'm posistive it's not to hurt you). She is reaching out because she feels like the problem cannot be solved between the two of you, so she wants someone to empathize with her and give her advice. You can curb this overtime by listening to her concerns and agreeing to work on your problems together. Tell her it makes you not want to work on them knowing there is a third party involved. I think she will get the point. I wish you guys the best.|||Tell your wife you love her, BUT, from now on, You will not tell her personal things, because she will tell her mother! and until you can build that trust again, then maybe, good luck|||She doesn't have a close girlfriend and is using her mother for that role!
YOU are worrying too much about it! Worry about making your wife happy!|||I am that close to my mother also. What she's doing is no big deal. As long as she doesn't run to mommy when you have an argument (which could taint her mother's feelings about you), I see no problem with her discussing personal things with her mother. I would much prefer discussing these things with my mother before I'd discuss them with my doctor.|||Many women, in general, will confide and/or share the most intimate information with their mother as well as very close friends. Your wife needs to be told (as you did) that you don't expect the information shared. The most you can do is hope that she accepts your request and shuts her mouth.|||You are over reacting. A woman's mother is her confidante. Your mother-in-law should not have said anything to you though...
Your wife could have chosen to discuss issues with a counselor, therapist or some other third party, but she chose her mother.
All over this board, people are constantly answering questions with the suggestion to speak with a counselor....who is a better counselor than your mother?
I will take my thumbs down on this, because I strongly believe that a woman's mother is her first line of support outside of the home.
(Sometimes, when women have no one to discuss issues with or they can't confide in their former first family, they end up being isolated. How many abused women keep that sh*t in their house without revealing it to anyone, not talking to anyone and end up with some serious issues? I am not saying you abused your wife....I am saying it is usual for a woman who is close to her mom to confide in her. I have zero problems in my marriage and yet I tell my Mum stuff about things my husband says, a few intimate details if I am feeling naughty and my Mum and I are joking....it happens....)|||This is a sticky situation, and I sympathize with you.
On one hand, there's nothing like a mother-daughter bond, and on the other you have taken vows to each other to forsake all others. It's like this teeter-totter that has to be balanced properly to keep both you and her mother happy. And you are right - mom is always going to side with her daughter.
But here's the bottom line: You are husband and wife. If you have issues, you need to work it out between the two of you. She should not be running to outside sources to solve these very personal and private marital problems. Not that she shouldn't confide in her mother, but there IS a line in the sand, and she crossed it. Your marriage is a confidential relationship and therefore you both must agreed what is to be shared to the outside world. Your wife is not a teenager needing boy advice from mom - she's a grown woman who should be strong enough to confront you if an issue needs resolving.
Honestly, I think you should address this issue in marital counseling. It's apparent that your wife doesn't see the seriousness in this issue that you do, and is trying to dismiss your feelings which is not okay. EVEN IF your wife was in the right and you were over-reacting, she still is not right to dismiss your feelings... that's one issue all in itself, let alone the topic at hand here. Find a marriage counselor.|||Not a good look to go spreading your private business at any point.
You need to explain to her if she feels the need to go blabbing to talk to a priest, a sex therapist, or better still to you alone.
Man I just don't get that kind of S*it!|||Did you ask your wife how she would feel if you did the same thing to her? I think you hit the nail on the head when you said her mother would be bias to her. After all she is her child and most mothers would take their childs side. I would explain to your wife how this makes you uncomfortable and that you enjoy spending time with your mother in law but that if she keeps this up she may end up destroying the relationship between you and her mother. Does she understand that by telling these intimate details that she is both hurting you and embarrassing you. Maybe after explaining it again she will see the error in her ways and kept her mouth closed.|||I can completely understand your sense of discomfort. Though it is great that your wife and her mother have such a close relationship, her disclosure of highly personal information can be more damaging than she thinks. It seems your wife does not understand why it bothers you as she means no harm and cannnot see how it is harming you. You may have to explain your view to your wife in a different way. I am just going to use an insignificant example which may display what I am saying. For example she tells her mother that you consistently talk over her when she is speaking. Explain to your wife that when she tells her something like that, you feel uncomfortable in their presence because you assume they are watching to see if you are talking over her. Ask her how she would feel in your mothers presence under the same circumstances. If you explain yourself clearly enough and why this bothers you, she may understand and stop. If not, at least her mother will not reveal that she told her. LOL Your best bet is to tell your wife that she is your best friend and confidant and that you would hate to have to keep things from her.|||Your right to be concerned. She is treating her mother as though she is a best friend rather than a mother. I too made this mistake with my first serious relationship and for this reason, do not do this with my mother in my current relationship. Your wife is inevitably is turning her mother against you without even realizing it! certain aspects of a relationship are not meant for mothers to hear, not that anything bad is going on, but a mothers instincts are to protect her child and it only takes a few comments about a fight that you have had to do this. Your wife probably doesn't realize the damage that she is causing. I would just sit down with her and try and get her to understand, maybe when she becomes a mother, she might begin to understand.|||Whether or not she believes it, over time, even the most fair minded person's opinion of you can change if they are hearing all of your faults.
Whether or not she knows or understands it or not, her objective should always be to keep you in the highest respect and regard in every possible way in her family's eyes. When people find out that the relationship has weak spots they know how to apply pressure to cause problems.
My ex husband's family believed that I was the only reason he straightened out, sobered up, and became a respectable, responsible man but that didn't keep them from driving wedges between me and him every time I didn't absolutely agree with them on anything.|||Not seeing the issue here.|||She is violating the sanctity of your marriage. There are certain privileges and privacy's between a man and a wife. You are right, mom will always have a bias towards her daughter and if mom is a blabbermouth too you don't need your personal business broadcast all over.
Talk to your wife and tell her it is wrong for the simple fact that it hurts you and makes you feel uncomfortable around her mom because you are now embarrassed around her and feel bad and never know what she knows. If you wife can't respect your feelings then she is not being a very good partner. You don't even need a good reason beyond that it makes you uncomfortable. If she keeps it up, next time you are in public pull her shirt up and flash her bra or start telling random people, like the clerk at the convenience store something really personal about her and see if that doesn't send her the message.|||Tell her if she insists on blabbing personal s.h.i.t about you, you will blab personal s.h.i.t. about her.|||There's no simple solution to this one .. your wife's mother is her best friend .. %26amp; it's very normal for best friends to do such things .. %26amp; I can't say it's due to her mother's coaxing or not .. but it does seem the friendship is quite permanent %26amp; stable. I don't see that at all changing.
What it really means is .. what you said to your wife, re things not to talk about with her mother .. all very valid %26amp; logical of course .. but I have the idea you're going to have to say that in front of both of them .. as equals. I think you're going to have to say you're now hesitant to tell wife all you would or want to because it's then not just a husband-wife secret at all .. it's a family matter .. %26amp; of course that can be pretty degrading to the husband .. they've both got to hear it man .. or it won't change at all. You know that.
And honestly, I'm hoping you're as calm when doing this in front of them both as real equals .. as you are when writing in here .. because if not .. or perhaps I best say if you add any strong emotions to it like distaste or whatever, you'll be influencing two .. not one. You really don't want two of them deciding you're unreasonable, or you'll never have ground to stand on.
You've really got to tell them both, trust is being blown out the window here, because you feel there are no husband-wife secrets .. %26amp; that's just not right or fair .. some divorce at or over time because of such things .. have them think about all that %26amp; respond to you right at the time ..don't give pondering space .. but again, please be calm %26amp; rational .. you'll always win more points if you are that way.|||Tell her mother about the night that...(lol)|||Have an affair with your mother-in-law.
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